So, I’d been warned about the crazy things that people will say to adoptive parents. I’ve always said that I hoped to be able to handle those conversations with grace. Some adoptive parents get very very very offended if they are asked a question in a wrong way. But any way that a question is asked sometimes seems like the “wrong way”. In general, don’t ask questions like this:
“Where did you get your kid?” (This one doesn’t bother me as much, but some people don’t like to be asked. As kids get older and are aware of the questions being asked about them, it does get ruder to ask directly. Sometimes kids want to just go and be and not be a “show” wherever they go. This question doesn’t really bother me right now, but I don’t know my feelings later on.)
“Where did they come from?” (Again, similar to the first question. There are just nicer ways to phrase it I guess. If you see a family and really want to know if the child is adopted, sometimes it’s better to start with, “You have a beautiful family.” and see where it goes. Again, this one doesn’t bother me much right now.)
“How much did that baby cost you?” (Yes, people do say things like that. You see why it’s offensive, right? Surely I don’t have to explain that one. Nobody asks biological moms how much a labor and delivery costs. And they could be close to the same cost – believe me! If you’re really curious, go home and look it up or something. Or just believe me.)
I also have been warned by moms of biological twins that there are plenty of weird questions there too.
Both adoptive moms of singletons and twins moms have talked about not being able to get through the grocery store (or wherever they are) with lots of questions or attention. So I’ve been ready.
I really haven’t gotten much! I’ve kind of waited for the big WHOA statement or question, and I haven’t gotten it! I tend to walk fast though and I have noticed myself not making eye contact with people as much. I don’t know why. I just feel a little stand out-ish walking anywhere with 5 kids – adopted or all under the age of 8 or a set of twins or not. I do like to watch people looking at them when they don’t know I’m watching them. Almost everyone just smiles when they see them. They ARE cute! I love seeing people enjoying them. I enjoy them immensely as well. And it doesn’t bother me to have people stare at them! I would too.
I don’t understand moms who get soooo angry and irritated at the attention they get when they are out. I’m like, heck yeah, look at my cute babies and big kids! I have a beautiful family!!! And what better way to be a walking advertisement for adoption. I recognize I’m only 5 weeks in, but still. I never got irritated at old ladies kissing my other three babies’ cheeks or holding their hands. I didn’t carry around antiseptic wipes to wipe off stranger germs or anything. So maybe it’s just my personality.
I will say though at this point, I like to keep conversations to about 30 seconds. For one, if I stop too long to talk while the girls are in the stroller they get restless. Second, I know I have a window of patient calm from them in the stroller/car seat/total errand time – it usually lasts about 45 minutes. If I’m running a 20 minute Target trip, and I have two 10 minute driving trips along with 5 minutes or so on each end for loading and unloading everyone, that doesn’t leave much cushion time. So if you see me out and I seem to cut you off or get nervous/antsy acting, it’s only because I’m doing an internal countdown of the scream-free minutes I have left! I’m sure this will get better with time, but for now I still get really nervous anytime we’re out – especially if I have all five by myself! Because believe me, the other three are not usually standing quietly and patiently beside me waiting for my next command. HA! I just laughed out loud at that mental picture! I crack myself up. And I shouldn’t blog late at night maybe…
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Besides smiles, the comment I get the most is, “You’ve got your hands full!” or something along those lines. And usually I don’t have all five with me. I just say, “Yep, but it’s a good full!” and keep going. Again, it doesn’t offend me. Some people do get really mad about that statement though too.
But I did get a doozy of a statement a couple of weeks ago! Here’s the scene:
I was in Home Depot picking up paint to finish the girls’ room as 1 gallon of pale pink paint was apparently not enough to cover what I thought was pretty light blue paint. We even had the paint + primer, but we needed three coats! WHEW!
Well, it was just me and the girls. It was Sunday morning – one of the mornings the big kids all went with Daddy. The girls were of course in their stroller, and it was just a kind of slow-going, easy morning. There was NOBODY at Home Depot at 10 am on a Sunday. NOBODY. So I wasn’t quite as nervous as I am sometimes. If they screamed and lost it, there’d only be a few employees around to witness it. And I knew it was a short errand.
We were waiting for the paint to get mixed, and the grizzly looking man at the paint counter leaned over and was talking to the girls. He was very sweet to them, but he was pretty tough looking. Like maybe the Harley type if I was being stereotypical – definitely didn’t look like a I-love-talking-to-babies-type. He and the younger kid working with him were both talking to the girls. Of course the girls don’t respond… because they are babies.
It’s always kind of awkward when someone says to a baby, “Well, hello there. How old are you?” Or “And what’s your name?” I want to kind of stand there and not say anything, just smiling along with them and waiting for the baby to answer. Of course they are asking me to answer, and I guess they just like to do baby talk. But I always find that weird.
So Grizzly and College Kid didn’t have a long conversation with the girls – obviously. Lyla and Sosie busted out their waving trick when Mr. Grizzly said “Hi” to them, which always is pretty quick to impress.
Mr. Grizzly was doing most of the talking and College Kid was only kind of half-interested. Since the baby conversation stalled, I knew they were going to talk to me about SOMETHING. And I kind of figured a question of some sorts was coming, and then there it was.
Mr. Grizzly leaned towards me, and he rested his elbows on the counter. He looked right at me and with a just as serious expression said:
“So…. how long was your delivery with them?”
What?
My delivery?
You want to know how long my delivery was with them?
These girls?
I was instantly laughing on the inside. A million thoughts were running through my head, and it took my brain a second to catch up to the question I guess.
I laughed out loud and said, “Oh they aren’t mine! I mean, they are mine, but they are adopted!”
What a question! I think one of my first thoughts was, “This is going to be a good blog post!” Which maybe you aren’t as amused as I am, but I thought it was insanely funny given the context and the characters at hand!
Soooo…. when is it okay for Mr. Grizzly paint mixing man at Home Depot to ask how long a woman’s delivery was? Or anyone – grizzly or not? Woman at the bank? Unless you are my OB or OB nurse or BFF, you shouldn’t ask that!
Like what if I had started spilling out all the story of my labor and when my water broke and other oooey-gooey details? Like would he have been comfortable with that? I almost wished I had a story to delve into to kind of shock him.
I remember when I was very pregnant with Everett someone asked me how dilated I was… Really? And it was someone I didn’t even know. Just hanging out at the mirrors at church, and I guess that’s the only thing that popped into her mind to say… “So how far dilated are you?” HILARIOUS! Although I don’t think I found that one as funny at the time. 9 months pregnant in July – probably not much of anything was very funny!
So back to Mr. Grizzly. As he was mixing up my paint, we kind of talked some more. He seemed genuinely surprised that I didn’t deliver the girls. Like shocked face and kind of jumped back – seemed a little embarrassed. (Embarrassed that they were in fact adopted. Not embarrassed that he asked how long my delivery was!)
While we were turning the conversation around, I was thinking to myself a million questions trying to figure out where he was coming from, like:
DO they look ANYTHING like me? Is there a family resemblance? I mean, I’m not seeing one… The girls don’t look the slightest bit bi-racial to me! They are pretty dark-skinned! But I guess sometimes bi-racial kids can appear darker or lighter.
Was that his “polite” way of asking about them being adopted, but he seemed genuinely surprised when I said that they were. It was really, really strange. And funny to me.
I wish I’d gotten a look at the College Kid’s face. He did perk up though and started talking about how cool he thought adoption was. And that he wants to adopt someday too. I love that the generation slightly younger than me is so comfortable with adoption.
Anyway, I still really wasn’t offended. He wasn’t being critical of adoption or our family. And maybe it’s because I appreciate a good, personal question. I really like to get to KNOW people and sometimes ask questions that people are surprised at. It’s not that I ask questions like THAT, but I do like getting to figure out what makes someone tick. What else are relationships for than getting to really KNOW people?!? I love hearing people’s stories.
But not your delivery stories. Keep those to yourself…
What’s the weirdest or most personal question YOU have ever gotten about a pregnancy, your child, or your adoption??? Do you get offended?
I’ve had people assume my kids were adopted. They are bi-racial; I guess that’s why.(?) A stewardess asked me if they were brother and sister, and my first reaction was like, I am not a nice enough person to take someone else’s kid on a trans-Pacific flight! Then I realized what she was assuming. I wasn’t offended, just surprised.
Rudest comment ever (and it happened in the nursary at CHURCH!): “Was she cheaper because she’s black?”. Yep. My mouth fell open. I swear I probably had smoke coming out of my ears. And I don’t get offended by much….I LOVE talking about adoption. But that one (right IN FRONT of Macy) was a bit too much for me. Erg.
wow. what is wrong with people?
My mouth just dropped open at this question!! Oh my word!
oh my word!!!! (insert jaw drop)
Oh my WORD, that was good! Thanks for the good laugh!
This one will make you laugh, only because you know Todd.. I had all three of mine with me and they were saying how cute the girls were and then all of a sudden they pointed at Erin (4 years old at the time) and said your girls are cute who’s is that one… Now we all know that Erin looks exactly like the Borski’s and Todd but come on.. needless to say Erin being my most sensitive started crying and saying that she belonged to us and crawled into my arms. I could have smacked them. This was someone that know both me and Todd. Needless to say I corrected and moved on. They tried to apologize but Erin was crying really loud.
its probably a great strategy that you’ve employed to be prepared not to be annoyed… people just dont know what to say all the time… and we’ve all said stupid things.
unkindness, however, is unkindness – so when that comes, you’ll just know that isnt someone you want in your inner sanctum.
they are so delicious and it’s no wonder people stare. they are captivating. as are the other three underhills… you’re sure to make a scene.
having four – i get the “hands full” comment all the time… and i think, hm, i hope my kids don’t think i find them to be inconvenient hands-full….
My mom got a lot of strange and sometimes offensive comments about having triplets. Probably the worst was, “Whoa, I’m glad I’m not you!” The most common question I get is: “What’s it like being a triplet?” Um … what’s it like being a singleton?
Most people know that I’m 9 years older than my brother, and 10 years older than my sister. Well a couple of years ago at a neighborhood block party, we were standing with my dad when a man walked up and we exchanged introductions. He then proceeded to ask if I was from Dad’s first marriage because of the age gap. Uh, who asks that?! Dad said, nope, she’s all mine. Some people just don’t have a filter.
I had a lot more patience and understanding with people when Anna was younger, but as she’s gotten older/more aware… and Abigail, too… I’ve become a little less patient. I wouldn’t say that we get a lot of rude comments, but we get comments when we are just trying to enjoy family time. It feels intrusive (we are all fairly shy and don’t invite conversations with strangers), and the way we became a family is not the focus of our family. If I think people are sincerely looking for information about adoption, it’s one thing. But if I think they are just being nosey, it’s something else entirely.
A pregnant lady once asked me “how does it feel to have strangers know that one of your children is adopted?” (because Anna is OBVIOUSLY adopted.) I *almost* said “well, how does it feel to have strangers know that 8 months ago you were having s*x?” Seriously? What kind of question was that?
I also had someone ask how my labor went with JohnAndrew, and when I told her it was pretty quick and easy and natural, she looked at me and said “why on EARTH would you have a natural labor?” Um, why WOULDN’T I? And in what way could our choice for a natural labor be something that you would even question? Does not make sense.
I’ve also had people tell me that Abigail looks JUST LIKE my husband, which is funny because A) he is not her bio dad, and B) she does look JUST LIKE me- same-age pictures can be hard to distinguish:)
Basically, I think people are just weird.
When we first brought our son home and were in the doctors office, a lady approached me asking about the age of our Etiopian adopted son. I told her 6 months and she said something like, “oh so you were pregnant in July. “….my husband and I (who are both very pale skinned) just looked at her for a second…before responding that he is adopted and then she launched into lots of questions and telling us about wanting to adopt herself. It was strange!
I’ve been laughing out loud and feeling completely appalled at these questions!! I wish you had launched into the whole water breaking, long drawn out labor story to that Mr. Grizzly with all the gorey details just to watch his face then it would have topped it all off if you had said how surprised you and your husband were when they came out black!! Sorry…but I just think that would have been funny. He probably didn’t really mean anything by it – just a guy being a guy trying to start a conversation. Still…you’re right…when is that ever okay to ask???!!! hang in there!!! I’m gearing up for those crazy questions, too!!!
Hi Sarah
So great to meet you at the conference.
I was pregnant with my first when my husband was in medical school. Another student asked me the dilated question in the hall of the medical school infront of atleast ten other students. I sweetly responded with, “Have you gotten the results back from your last prostate exam?” He didn’t get it, but I do hope it improved his bedside manner.
Having six kids and having adopted as well, we’ve had lots of comments. The worst one was by a woman who came several registers over from her spot in the grocery store and said, “Are all those kids yours?” We were all so busy putting our groceries on the belt that I didn’t notice her at first. She repeated herself. I said, “Yes, they’re all mine.” She pointed to one of my kids who was about 8 years old and said, “Not that one. They can’t be.” I firmly repeated, “They are all mine.” And then I went back to putting groceries on the belt. Last year when said child was a newly minted teen, someone in another grocery store two thousand miles from the other, loudly exclaimed, “How did you get a DARKY?”I Not kidding, folks.
As for, “You have your hands full.” They used to get as far as, “You have…”They and my oldest would say”…your hands full!” Once someone asked if they were all mine and she said, “No, it’s a daycare.”
I think when you have a bigger family people see the interactions and quickly feel they have been invited into your living room. They literally see your story walking towards them.
Wish I had had more time to get to know you, Sarah. Your older kids were so adorable in your referral video. Your oldest daughter seems like the sweetest big sister on the planet…so much joy. I have no doubt with a family like yours that you will begin to see joy and security emanating consistently from your baby girls in no time. So glad things are getting better all the time. Can I call on you for encouragement when I am jet lagged? –Elaine
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From an adopted kids point, I remember one kid in elementary who made fun of me for being adopted, you know the comments your “real” parents didn’t love you and such, but he was really gruff about it. Up until that point i never thought much about it, I just knew had two sorta birthdays with presents, lol. But I can still remember that school year and to this day if I see him out at a store or something it still bothers me. But I still get the questions of do you know your real parents, why yes I do they are named Linda and David Lee and they adopted when I was 6 weeks old and just leave it at that. The worse part is when my mom passed away, it was odd, that was the first time in my family that I had ever felt adopted, after she was gone, I have had little contact with them and that makes me sad, Lord knows I could have used the support when dealing with everything with my little boy Ethan, but hey that is their loss. But Sarah, I so wanna meet these little girls sometime and really miss you and Jason.
Jamie Lee