Just had to update a quick post. Thanks for the encouragement/prayers from last post. Once I got out and about Tuesday… and Wednesday… and Thursday, it’s been better. 
Getting OUT is the key for me!!!
We did meet with an adoption attachment therapist on Thursday. No tons of mind-blowing, new information, but she confirmed that we were doing things right. It just takes time.
She nailed the girls’ personalities and kind of their major areas of struggle/need right now. It was good to have a “label” (so that I can google it of course!), and she was great to let us know some things to help.
It’s just a slow road of course. Sosie is kind of like a teapot on the stove. She’s warmed up to us really fast, but she has a lot of need and does best with some quick attention. She’s a “sensory seeker” meaning she loves to be held and touched and likes some kind of “rough play” and being held tightly, etc. It makes sense with what we see. It’s why she’ll go to anyone – she craves the interaction. But the challenge is being able to “fill her up” just from Mommy and Daddy and not others.
Lyla is more like a crockpot – on LOW. She’s still not completely warmed up to us yet – she’s more cautious and we just have to take it easy with her. It’s so interesting to watch. She is a BIG TIME Daddy’s girl. She sprung up a crazy fever yesterday with a bad cough. She did NOT feel good last night, and she ONLY wanted Daddy. I was like, what??? I’m the Mommy! I’m great at taking care of sick babies!! Come to me!! But, nope. One time Jason held her out to me and she literally arched her back mid-air to try to back off from me.
That was really hard, but I did some googling last night, and found that MOST toddlers reject at least one parent. And most often it’s the mother. Interesting, right? Nobody really KNOWS why b’c of course toddlers don’t talk and say, “I’m rejecting you because…” But, it’s believed that it’s due to the fact that most caregivers in institutional care are mothers. And once they get home and have settled in a bit, that relationship starts to grow with their adoptive mother. But then they get this sense of fear of being separated from her again and so they try to “detach” emotionally to keep from being hurt.
I’m the first one to look at theories like that and call it “bull”. So much of psychology I think seems just crazy-talk. Some things just are because they are. But, they’ve done this study with adopted toddlers across various countries of origins, various orphanage setups, various circumstances before birth, and the same results have repeated themselves. It’s fascinating to me that our brains our built to protect ourselves like that – even as young as 14 months old.
She challenged me to rest and get out for “me” time more – to put it IN MY SCHEDULE. That’s a challenge. But I’m working on it as we saw the results this past week of not having it.
Today begins a couple of weeks off for Jason. Such a blessing. We’re going to do some traveling to see family this week so we’ll be out of pocket. We’re going to try and leave the screens OFF. Really praying it’s a chance for our whole family to just take a collective breath of fresh air from the busy-ness of the past months. Praying for lots of laughter, connecting, and fun!
Headed to pack… I’ve taken the “you need rest” suggestion TOO seriously in the last 24 hours. I hate packing and always procrastinate until the last minute. And I still am procrastinating… At this moment. The more sentences I write, the longer I can delay packing. The more sentences I write, the longer I can delay packing. The more sentences I write, the longer I can delay packing…
Oh, Sarah. I can relate. We still go through periods of Momma-rejection. Then she comes back, and then rejects again.
I wish I could say it gets easier. But it really doesn’t- not emotionally. What it does get is more obvious… you begin to understand the triggers and see the behavior for what it is- a coping/self-preservation method for the child. That helps (at least for me…. it’s like my patients who were in so much pain that they would strike out at me to prevent me from touching them, even though as soon as I could get near them I could give them pain medicine. Sometimes the pain is too intense to see past it.)
Hang in there.
Also, love the tea pot/ crock pot analogy.
At my (Christian) high school, my health teacher described boys as microwaves and girls as crock pots when it came to, uh, desire:)
Hi Sarah
I know I have posted before- we are at month 9 of our twin adoption. Although we adopted thru the ministry, and our girlies had so many many many moves. I feel the ministry and the adoption support here in BC has given us some really great help and support. Our girls just turned 2, and although I have felt close and “attached” for a long time this past few weeks I have felt like the roots are taking hold. It has changed and we have done the work from day one, and there is alot to say for time. Your girls personalities, the twinisums, and adopting toddlers make your stories sound like my own. I would love to chat for real one day. Either way blessings to you and yours!