A Wiser One Should Have Taken My Place…

I’m into the Christmas carols meanings lately. I know. Bear with me.

Every year, one song strikes my heart and just gets me. This year there wasn’t a Christmas song that had really hit me yet, and I was okay with there not being a song for the season. But I was kind of still waiting for God to give me one because He usually does.

Then yesterday I was driving in my car alone and heard Amy Grant’s “Breath of Heaven”. I’ve heard it a bajillion times before, but this year, one part in particular had special meaning.

In case you haven’t heard the song, the song is sung from Mary’s perspective in thinking about having Jesus. She just prays that God would be with her in what He’s called her to do. Here’s a video if you’re interested:

Amy Grant – Breath of Heaven

The portion of lyrics that was playing when I turned to the station was:

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong, help me be, help me…

Oh I’m certain that is probably a thought of mine at least five times a day regarding God’s choice of me as the mother of these five sweet children. I’m almost constantly certain that God is sitting in heaven thinking, “Wow, I was hoping she would do better than this. Turns out she’s not able to do this. I was hoping she would, but nope. She failed. I’m disappointed.”

Thankfully, in God’s sweet mercy, on most days that those thoughts are running through my mind, I’m even more conscious of God’s sweet voice reminding me, “For he CHOSE us in Him BEFORE THE CREATION OF THE WORLD to be holy and blameless in His sight.” (Eph 1:4)

I chose you Sarah. I chose you. Before I even created the sky or the grass or the oceans or the sun, before I created light or darkness, before the first animal or plant or human was formed, I chose YOU. To be HOLY and BLAMELESS in my sight.

I’m doing a very timely Bible study right now by Tammy Head entitled “Duty or Delight? Knowing Where You Stand With God”. It took me a few weeks just to get through the first few days. It’s about this very issue of knowing that God isn’t a bad guy cop waiting in heaven for us to mess up so he can “get” us.

But I just don’t always feel very chosen…

I love this song because it shows Mary (our imagined song-version of Mary) didn’t always feel very chosen either. Of course that’s not in the Bible. We don’t know what she felt.

But we do know that she was human. And humans – we weren’t made to be perfect. We mess up, we learn, and hopefully we grow closer to God in the process. So I feel pretty certain that Mary had a moment or two of flipping out in the nine months she was waiting to give birth to Jesus. I’ll bet she bit Joseph’s head off a time or two. I’d bet that she had some late night conversations with God that went a lot like mine.

Really God? You think I can handle this? Why in the world did you choose ME? Why? I’m failing you miserably. I’m not cut out for this! Really God?

Whether you’re a mom or newly married, single or wedded for 60 years, working in the home or outside of it – don’t you think we as women tend to always think we’re not measuring up or not doing quite well enough? That’s a constant struggle for me.

A good day in God’s book does not equal me getting it all right. A good day is not measured by whether or not I kept my Mary Poppins voice with the kids all day (whew – I don’t think I even HAVE a Mary Poppins voice!), have dinner on the table (on time, not overcooked, and everyone loves it!), folded the laundry instead of leaving it piled up in the laundry room (or strewn about my room), or kept peace with Jason.

Just because I feel inadequate does NOT mean that God thinks I’m inadequate. He CHOSE me to do this. But believing it in my heart is a whole lot harder than knowing it in my head.

I love song-version Mary’s response to wondering if God is happy with His choosing of her. She feels inadequate, but what does she say? “I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan”. And then she BEGS God to be with her.

Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Amen to that.

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