It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Worst of Times

That’s a long title, but I can’t think of any better way to sum up how I think I’ll look back on these first weeks home.

This past weekend was a hard weekend. Last week was a hard week. We took turns alternating nights sleeping on the girls’ floor on a little futon. Miserable. I missed my husband. On the nights that I was “off” I still couldn’t sleep. I was comatose during the day catching up from a few sleepless nights. I drank lots of coffee – probably contributing to the lack of sleeping. So I backed off the caffeine, took a few Tylenol PMs, and then I SLEPT. Too much.

I was so discouraged yesterday. I realized that I had not been out of the house in four days. Except for a carpool run, but even then I never got out of the car. My feet had not touched any other land but our fraction of an acre for four. full. days. That’s just not like me. Any other time, I would have been clawing the walls to get out. But when the opportunity came, I couldn’t think of one place I wanted to go. Except bed. To just stare at the ceiling. Which made me worry about me. What was happening? Where was ME?

I went to bed crying.

I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I told Jason I wish I had never heard the of the plight of the orphan. I emailed adoption attachment therapists at 1 am. I emailed like six of them. I know nobody that has come home and struggled like we have. Nobody. Although the statistics say that 60% of parents struggle with some sort of “post-adoption depression” or “adoption blues”.

I was texting a fellow twin mom (yes also at 1 am… she knew I’d be up). Hers are bio twins, but she was telling me all the things they were doing that were so similar to our girls. And she had some of the same feelings I did! Everyone thinks twins are insanely cute. And they are! But the work and getting used to TWO of them is unimaginably HARD!

I woke up crying. Nolan came and cuddled in beside me this morning, and I wrapped my arms around him and just held him tight. I wanted to lay there all day just cuddling him. I made sure my hot tears slid down my face onto my pillow so he wouldn’t notice I was crying.

I stared at his precious little face, his little blonde curls, his expressions as he played games on my phone. (You didn’t think HE wanted to lay and cuddle all day did you?? Bribery can be a good tool when momma needs some lovin from her boy.) I held him tight and listened to the girls happily babbling in the other room, and I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to get them up. I didn’t want the day to start. Because if it was going to be a bad day, I wasn’t sure I could take it.

Laying there, I decided I had to get out today. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I HAD to get out. In the early weeks home, I went out to stay sane. It was fun to have them out with me. I liked using my cute little stroller. And it was fun letting them see the world around us – well, Target.

But then I realized that the work of getting out, forging through errands while the girls are transitioning out of their morning naps, and all the in and out of the car seats and stroller wasn’t worth the getting out. So I quit.

I didn’t have ANYTHING I needed to do today. I had a doctor’s appointment that I’d been putting off for an oddly infected finger – weird story. I sat up, made an appointment, and I got ready. I took a shower. I wore cute clothes out – nothing schmancy. Still leggings and a big sweater, but with a cute tank and ballet flats and I actually put on my rings. Go me. It struck me as funny that I was excited to go to the doctor’s office.

At the office, the girls were so charming, albeit a little restless towards the end. And they wanted ME. Ladies in the office (that we know) held them for a minute or two, but they wanted ME. ME!

I decided we would STAY out until it was time to get Everett at 12:45. Luckily the pharmacy’s long line and Chickfila’s long line helped me out. And we made it out all day! (not without tears, but we made it)

We came home, and I fed the girls more lunch. They got down and played, and they laughed and giggled and did the silliest things today. Things I just hadn’t seen them do! Their personalities just sparked a bit. They giggled. They hugged me and came back for more. They argued with each other. But they were overall in a great mood. I really enjoyed watching them today.

Then they took good naps! Hello! (and a side note, I ALSO got a great deal on a planner I’ve been eyeing!! I found a random coupon online for HALF OFF! WHOOP!)

Tonight we headed to school for a little coffee house thing for Everett. The girls were again sweet, charming, albeit a little restless again towards the end. They toddled about the room, and every once in a while they’d check mom and dad out to make sure we were still there. That’s a really good sign of attachment. They were so darn cute.

We headed to a quick dinner – which wasn’t so blissful, but whatever.

We got home, and they again played and played and played. They laughed, they ate up their Daddy’s attention, and they just seemed to “own” the living room and their toys. They interacted a lot with us. And again, lots and lots of giggles.

I sat marveling at them tonight as they took their chunky baby legs from Daddy to Mommy to Daddy. They’ve changed so much. For the good. They’ve learned to PLAY. They’ve learned to LAUGH. They’ve learned to BEG FOR MORE.

I’m not saying they didn’t know how to do those things before. They loved their caregivers, and I’m sure they played little games. But now they are learning to play with US. What brave little resilient girls.

I cuddled each of them close before bed, lay a million kisses on their little faces, and said prayers for peaceful hearts and restful bodies tonight. And I said a million thanks to the Lord for letting me be their Mother.

And now I’m sitting on my back porch with perfectly fall-like temperatures and a gajillion beautiful stars out tonight. I sat and sat and sat just staring at those stars. I thought about what I had just said this morning in the wee hours – I said that I wish I’d never even heard of the plight of the orphan. And then I thought about how very full my heart was tonight.

Oh I’m so grateful for a great big God. I’m so grateful He knows me far better than I know myself. I’m so grateful that He gives me what I don’t think I can handle. I’m immensely grateful that He’s right beside me as we’re walking this road. I don’t know how anyone does it without Him…

And we’ve still got a long road. This “attachment dance” is one that ebbs and flows. My heart has not fully embraced these temperamental little 14 month olds. I’m not all the way there yet. But they haven’t fully embraced this crazy emotional mood swings momma either.

But we’re at least on the same road, and we’re walking in the same direction.

I’m so grateful. For the best times. AND the worst times… (Well, grateful for the best times a little more if I’m being COMPLETELY honest here…)

Sweetness

Lyla and Nolan watching the lawn company work across the street

Sosie and Nolan watching a bit of Mickey Mouse

It's hard to get a good video of her walking because she's so fast!

Even Lyla took a few steps last night, so we’ll see!!!

 

So… What CAN I Say????

When I wrote this post: When Is That Okay?, I got a LOT of feedback between the comments on the blog and the comments once the post hit my Facebook page. Wow! Overwhelmingly the comments spanned lots of moms sharing comments they had gotten in general – both adoptive and non-adoptive. Several of you enjoyed the story in and of itself and laughed. But then I had a few other reactions… ones I didn’t even anticipate.

One friend I found out was not necessarily laughing when she read that post. She saw the humor in it for sure, but in reading all of the follow-up comments, there was not as much laughing as there was a healthy dose of paranoia! Immediately she began to wonder if she had offended ME in anything she had said, any other adoptive family, or good grief – what can you say to anyone??

I was struck by the different perspective on what I intended as a humorous post. I intended to show that I am NOT easily offended, and I even really do laugh about even the most personal questions! (If you didn’t read it, you really should – it was a doozy!) And I DO realize that the girls COULD be biologically mine – it’s just not as likely.

But my friend said something that struck me in the gut, “I’ve wondered a lot of the questions that people listed as being offensive. I have probably asked several of them aloud simply because I was curious and really did want to know. And now it seems there is a whole different world of rules and guidelines that I’ve never been introduced to, and yet I’m expected to follow them. I feel like there’s an invisible script I’m supposed to follow that I haven’t ever even seen!”

Wow. Good point. I know EXACTLY how she feels.

You see, when we started this adoption process, we did TONS and TONS of research. There are blogs to read, websites to search, and thankfully message boards to join. I remember finding all of the yahoo groups that covered adoption in Ethiopia. After we got our referral, I even found a yahoo group of people that had adopted twins! Pretty cool!

I remember sighing in deep gulps of relief – my people! I could finally ask questions that I’d wondered and figured nobody else really understand! If anyone could answer my burning questions, it would be my fellow adoptive moms of course!!!

I started reading through the biggest Ethiopian adoption yahoo group just to kind of see what types of things were being discussed. Oh. My. Instead of helpful, mentoring banter, there was this atmosphere of biting, sass, iknowmorethanyou egos, and flat out cursing insults. As I followed the threads to find the original questions, sometimes they were questions that I would have asked as well. But they came from moms just new to the adoptive process that HADN’T done all the research or lived in the adoption world for years on end. So their questions weren’t phrased in the most politically correct ways – innocent as they were.

For example, a question like this: “We are just starting to research agencies to adopt from Ethiopia. We are requesting a baby girl 0-12 months, and we at this time do not feel we can handle any special needs. In looking around at agencies, we’ve noticed that some agencies have waiting times of a couple of months while other agencies say it will take ten or more months! We would love to have our daughter home as soon as possible! Does anyone have any advice?”

Seems innocent enough, right? Someone just starting, needing advice. Oh no my little naive friends, she is gonna GET IT.

She will likely get replies that go something like this:

“Just another family wanting a healthy baby girl as fast and as young as possible. If your only primary concern is to get a baby as fast as possible, then you are not ready for adoption nor do you understand the issues that surround Ethiopia. You shouldn’t be adopting at all.”

OR “People like you are the exact reason there is corruption in Ethiopia right now. You want a baby as fast as possible, and you have no concern for all the older children that are true orphans.”

What?

Now those responses come from some truth. Any poverty-stricken country that has “rich” westerners demanding babies is going to cause problems. If someone is willing to fork over a bunch of money for a healthy baby girl, then some of the in-country people are going to go to whatever measures they have to in order to get that money. Even if it means kidnapping. Or coercing a mother into giving up her child when other services could help her more. It’s horrible. And thankfully things in Ethiopia are changing so that an insane amount of scrutiny is being put on each case. I could write a thousand posts about this issue alone. But that’s not the point.

The point is the mom that’s just starting, that hasn’t researched all the answers, that really DOESN’T know. She’s asking for help from fellow adoptive parents, and she gets a reply that’s hateful, rude, and impatient instead of gentle, educating, and helpful.

You think I asked many questions on that board? NO. WAY.

Other boards, even those that had a better and more supportive atmosphere blasted people for not using the correct “pc” language. Some replies even implied that the question-asker was racist!! Really, I’m adopting a child of that race and yet I’m racist? Really?

There’s a lot of “I believe this way, it’s the right way, and if you say anything against that I’m gonna shoot you down with an arsenal of words and I got lots of friends on here who will back me up”. Where does that come from? People who have too much time on their hands? People with some obvious hurts in their past and the inability to look at someone else’s point of view? Definitely.

I found myself, as an adoptive parent, wondering what I was able to say. I STILL find myself suppressing an opinion I have about a topic because I don’t think it will be received well. And if you know me, you know I’m not often shy about expressing my opinion.

There’s almost this need for some adoptive parents to “one-up” each other. To compete in order to find out who the most open-minded, non-racist, best person is on the board. It’s really sick.

I recently read the book The Help and saw the movie. I saw discussions from adoptive moms BLASTING the story because it didn’t portray race relations in the South correctly, because the accents were wrong, because blah blah blah blah. Like most of those mothers weren’t even alive during that time period (nor was I). How do THEY know exactly how the relations were and how they talked? And even if you were familiar with relations in one part of the country, relations in a different part of the country were completely different. Each town certainly had its own personality and dynamics. Yet these expert adoptive moms couldn’t miss out on a chance to show how racist-free and superior they were. It was sickening to see. I stopped reading any reviews of it because I just didn’t want to hear it.

I enjoyed the movie. Were there things that bothered me? Were there things that I wondered about the accuracy of the movie? Did I want a maid like Aibileen for myself? Oh yes to all of the above! But I took the movie for what it was meant to be – at least in my opinion. I thought it was a celebration of the people that DID work together to eradicate slavery and to put in place civil rights. I enjoyed seeing the topic of racism confronted in a world were we still see the effects.

But it wasn’t enough for some to just enjoy the movie. They had to look for the negative. And those people would probably say I’m wearing rose-colored glasses and sticking my head in the sand. I’ve read comments as such.

So all of you who are wondering about this climate of adoption that seems to have all of these unwritten rules of what you can and can’t say, welcome. Yes, we get as many of those feelings as you do. (except for those of us adoptive parents that are the superior, always right ones)

What CAN you say? Mainly I pointed out to my friend was that she didn’t get to HEAR any of the comments and questions that people listed as being offensive. SO MUCH of ANY question is the WAY it is asked – body language, tone of voice, and intent. It’s usually pretty obvious whether someone is genuinely curious or nosy, critical or supportive, and judgemental or kind-hearted. Two people could use the exact same words, asking the exact same question, and it can have two VASTLY different meanings.

I will say that as an adoptive mom that does NOT get easily offended, you could ask me ANYTHING and I would really be okay. A-NY-THING!!!! Most moms I know are like that too. Now if you’re asking in the hallway at church when I have five kids to drop off or while I’m wrangling my crew with coupons at the grocery store, you might not get the best answer from me. But if you really want to know, I would LOVE to help answer questions. This is especially true for those that are interested in adoption. But my friend is not one that is going to adopt herself, but she’s VERY active in supporting other people’s adoptions. She’s invested! She really does care and really does want to know!

I can honestly say that the only things that would bother or offend me are comments that are obviously racist or critical of our family like, “You shouldn’t be adopting kids like that.” or “You’re a family of freaks.” or much worse… I don’t want to even try to dream something like that up and just can’t even put it in writing. That would obviously offend me. But even still, I would recognize that person as being ignorant and uneducated.

Some questions most adoptive families will probably choose not to answer:

Questions about the child’s history, their biological family’s story, etc. are inappropriate to answer in front of them – even if I was going to answer them. Most adoptive families keep the details of their child’s history private. I’ve shared some general facts, but there are parts of their story that Jason and I won’t share with anyone but the girls. Then it will be their choice to share their own story. They will choose who gets to know what about them. And those decisions are based on interviews with adult adoptees who shared that it was hurtful for everyone, even people they didn’t know, to know every single private detail about them.

If there is a question about the cost of adoption, most adoptive parents don’t mind answering if you are genuinely wanting to know because you’re interested in adopting yourself or supporting someone who is adopting or have a good reason for asking. I’d phrase my question like this, “I’m thinking about starting the adoption process, and I hate to be nosy. But, if you don’t mind telling me, what were the average fees you found when researching the adoption process?” It’s not a script, it’s just manners. Just like if you wanted to know how much someone makes or how much a car cost or how much therapy for someone’s child costs. You wouldn’t just come out and ask – that’d be considered rude. Most of the time in our culture, if you have a question about money, you explain why you are asking.

There’s so much else to explain, and again, the basic “rules” just come down to being respectful. That’s all. Again, I think most adoptive parents would be okay with anybody asking ANYTHING if it’s done in a respectful way.

Now, here’s the flip side that I really DON’T get. I cannot wrap my brain around why some adoptive parents are so easily offended by questions that aren’t phrased perfectly. Whether the question is coming from a fellow adoptive parent or a stranger at the grocery store, think about the intent of the person. Think about their heart. Do you honestly think they are INTENDING to cause you harm? I’ve seen SO MANY people get SO SNAPPY about questions that they have been asked that it shocks me!

I really do want to be open to talk about adoption and our family my whole life! We walk into a store, people notice, we’re different! If I bite everyone’s head off that asks a question, what is their opinion of adoption going to be? What is their opinion of our family going to be? What is their opinion of OTHER adoptive families going to be? And bottom line, it’s just not Christ-like to bite anyone’s head off for ANY reason! NOR is it Christ-like to badmouth them the rest of your life to re-tell the story of how you were offended! (I didn’t feel like I was badmouthing the paint guy; I really was relaying a funny story! And I did NOT respond to him ugly but respectfully chuckled and then answered questions about the adoption! It would have been REALLY easy to give him a big smack-down answer!)

On facebook, one fellow adoptive momma (so very helpful to me too) named Heather said when she gets asked, “How much did your adoption cost?” that she answers by saying, “Not as much as you would think. Are you considering adopting a child?” That’s a good, kind response!

I read a quote last night in a book called Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft that I thought was VERY pertinent to this topic. Check it out:

Try to be tolerant of friends and family’s misconceptions, stereotypes, or lack of knowledge. Sometimes adoptive parents forget that other people use insensitive adoption language out of habit, not to intentionally hurt. Perhaps we even used insensitive adoption language sometime in our past. When Grandpa says, “Why would Juan’s real mom give him up?,” gently respond, “I am going to be his real mom. His birthmother was unable to parent and, out of love, made an adoption plan that we have become part of.” Lois Melina wisely reminds us that, adoptive parents forget that there was a time when they, too, may have had doubts about adoption, told racist jokes, or thought there was no choice but to conceive a child. Two excellent books for family and friends who are supporting an adoption are When Friends Ask About Adoption: Question and Answer Guide for Non-Adoptive Parents and Other Caring Adults by Linda Bothun, and Supporting An Adoption by Pat Holmes.

Mary Hopkins-Best. Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft (Kindle Location 987). Kindle Edition.

I think the responsibility lies with us adoptive parents! Take the time to respond kindly – which doesn’t mean you have to spill all! We spend time demanding that people be considerate and respectful of our families. Yet we must in turn be considerate and respectful of people around us as well.

Thoughts? For adoptive parents, what are some good, respectful answers you’ve prepared in advance? Opinions from non-adoptive folks? What about the adoption process makes you nervous to ask or feel like you’re offending someone??? Ask away!!!

When Is That Okay?

So, I’d been warned about the crazy things that people will say to adoptive parents. I’ve always said that I hoped to be able to handle those conversations with grace. Some adoptive parents get very very very offended if they are asked a question in a wrong way. But any way that a question is asked sometimes seems like the “wrong way”. In general, don’t ask questions like this:

“Where did you get your kid?” (This one doesn’t bother me as much, but some people don’t like to be asked. As kids get older and are aware of the questions being asked about them, it does get ruder to ask directly. Sometimes kids want to just go and be and not be a “show” wherever they go. This question doesn’t really bother me right now, but I don’t know my feelings later on.)

“Where did they come from?” (Again, similar to the first question. There are just nicer ways to phrase it I guess. If you see a family and really want to know if the child is adopted, sometimes it’s better to start with, “You have a beautiful family.” and see where it goes. Again, this one doesn’t bother me much right now.)

“How much did that baby cost you?” (Yes, people do say things like that. You see why it’s offensive, right? Surely I don’t have to explain that one. Nobody asks biological moms how much a labor and delivery costs. And they could be close to the same cost – believe me! If you’re really curious, go home and look it up or something. Or just believe me.)

I also have been warned by moms of biological twins that there are plenty of weird questions there too.

Both adoptive moms of singletons and twins moms have talked about not being able to get through the grocery store (or wherever they are) with lots of questions or attention. So I’ve been ready.

I really haven’t gotten much! I’ve kind of waited for the big WHOA statement or question, and I haven’t gotten it! I tend to walk fast though and I have noticed myself not making eye contact with people as much. I don’t know why. I just feel a little stand out-ish walking anywhere with 5 kids – adopted or all under the age of 8 or a set of twins or not. I do like to watch people looking at them when they don’t know I’m watching them. Almost everyone just smiles when they see them. They ARE cute! I love seeing people enjoying them. I enjoy them immensely as well. And it doesn’t bother me to have people stare at them! I would too.

I don’t understand moms who get soooo angry and irritated at the attention they get when they are out. I’m like, heck yeah, look at my cute babies and big kids! I have a beautiful family!!! And what better way to be a walking advertisement for adoption. I recognize I’m only 5 weeks in, but still. I never got irritated at old ladies kissing my other three babies’ cheeks or holding their hands. I didn’t carry around antiseptic wipes to wipe off stranger germs or anything. So maybe it’s just my personality.

I will say though at this point, I like to keep conversations to about 30 seconds. For one, if I stop too long to talk while the girls are in the stroller they get restless. Second, I know I have a window of patient calm from them in the stroller/car seat/total errand time – it usually lasts about 45 minutes. If I’m running a 20 minute Target trip, and I have two 10 minute driving trips along with 5 minutes or so on each end for loading and unloading everyone, that doesn’t leave much cushion time. So if you see me out and I seem to cut you off or get nervous/antsy acting, it’s only because I’m doing an internal countdown of the scream-free minutes I have left! I’m sure this will get better with time, but for now I still get really nervous anytime we’re out – especially if I have all five by myself! Because believe me, the other three are not usually standing quietly and patiently beside me waiting for my next command. HA! I just laughed out loud at that mental picture! I crack myself up. And I shouldn’t blog late at night maybe…

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Besides smiles, the comment I get the most is, “You’ve got your hands full!” or something along those lines. And usually I don’t have all five with me. I just say, “Yep, but it’s a good full!” and keep going. Again, it doesn’t offend me. Some people do get really mad about that statement though too.

But I did get a doozy of a statement a couple of weeks ago! Here’s the scene:

I was in Home Depot picking up paint to finish the girls’ room as 1 gallon of pale pink paint was apparently not enough to cover what I thought was pretty light blue paint. We even had the paint + primer, but we needed three coats! WHEW!

Well, it was just me and the girls. It was Sunday morning – one of the mornings the big kids all went with Daddy. The girls were of course in their stroller, and it was just a kind of slow-going, easy morning. There was NOBODY at Home Depot at 10 am on a Sunday. NOBODY. So I wasn’t quite as nervous as I am sometimes. If they screamed and lost it, there’d only be a few employees around to witness it. And I knew it was a short errand.

We were waiting for the paint to get mixed, and the grizzly looking man at the paint counter leaned over and was talking to the girls. He was very sweet to them, but he was pretty tough looking. Like maybe the Harley type if I was being stereotypical – definitely didn’t look like a I-love-talking-to-babies-type. He and the younger kid working with him were both talking to the girls. Of course the girls don’t respond… because they are babies.

It’s always kind of awkward when someone says to a baby, “Well, hello there. How old are you?” Or “And what’s your name?” I want to kind of stand there and not say anything, just smiling along with them and waiting for the baby to answer. Of course they are asking me to answer, and I guess they just like to do baby talk. But I always find that weird.

So Grizzly and College Kid didn’t have a long conversation with the girls – obviously. Lyla and Sosie busted out their waving trick when Mr. Grizzly said “Hi” to them, which always is pretty quick to impress.

Mr. Grizzly was doing most of the talking and College Kid was only kind of half-interested.  Since the baby conversation stalled, I knew they were going to talk to me about SOMETHING. And I kind of figured a question of some sorts was coming, and then there it was.

Mr. Grizzly leaned towards me, and he rested his elbows on the counter. He looked right at me and with a just as serious expression said:

“So…. how long was your delivery with them?”

What?

My delivery?

You want to know how long my delivery was with them?

These girls?

I was instantly laughing on the inside. A million thoughts were running through my head, and it took my brain a second to catch up to the question I guess.

I laughed out loud and said, “Oh they aren’t mine! I mean, they are mine, but they are adopted!”

What a question! I think one of my first thoughts was, “This is going to be a good blog post!” Which maybe you aren’t as amused as I am, but I thought it was insanely funny given the context and the characters at hand!

Soooo…. when is it okay for Mr. Grizzly paint mixing man at Home Depot to ask how long a woman’s delivery was? Or anyone – grizzly or not? Woman at the bank? Unless you are my OB or OB nurse or BFF, you shouldn’t ask that!

Like what if I had started spilling out all the story of my labor and when my water broke and other oooey-gooey details? Like would he have been comfortable with that? I almost wished I had a story to delve into to kind of shock him.

I remember when I was very pregnant with Everett someone asked me how dilated I was… Really? And it was someone I didn’t even know. Just hanging out at the mirrors at church, and I guess that’s the only thing that popped into her mind to say… “So how far dilated are you?” HILARIOUS! Although I don’t think I found that one as funny at the time. 9 months pregnant in July – probably not much of anything was very funny!

So back to Mr. Grizzly. As he was mixing up my paint, we kind of talked some more. He seemed genuinely surprised that I didn’t deliver the girls. Like shocked face and kind of jumped back – seemed a little embarrassed. (Embarrassed that they were in fact adopted. Not embarrassed that he asked how long my delivery was!)

While we were turning the conversation around, I was thinking to myself a million questions trying to figure out where he was coming from, like:

DO they look ANYTHING like me? Is there a family resemblance? I mean, I’m not seeing one… The girls don’t look the slightest bit bi-racial to me! They are pretty dark-skinned! But I guess sometimes bi-racial kids can appear darker or lighter.

Was that his “polite” way of asking about them being adopted, but he seemed genuinely surprised when I said that they were. It was really, really strange. And funny to me.

I wish I’d gotten a look at the College Kid’s face. He did perk up though and started talking about how cool he thought adoption was. And that he wants to adopt someday too. I love that the generation slightly younger than me is so comfortable with adoption.

Anyway, I still really wasn’t offended. He wasn’t being critical of adoption or our family. And maybe it’s because I appreciate a good, personal question. I really like to get to KNOW people and sometimes ask questions that people are surprised at. It’s not that I ask questions like THAT, but I do like getting to figure out what makes someone tick. What else are relationships for than getting to really KNOW people?!? I love hearing people’s stories.

But not your delivery stories. Keep those to yourself…

What’s the weirdest or most personal question YOU have ever gotten about a pregnancy, your child, or your adoption??? Do you get offended?

Pictures

Look at the super cute shirts a fellow Gladney mom sent the girls! I love them…
I turned 35. Here is my cake picture. I think the boys were missing from the picture because there was a temper tantrum somewhere in the middle of it. We sang it again later for the temper tantrum son… It was kind of a crazy birthday. Wednesdays are one of Jason’s two 12 hour days of the week (the other one being Sunday of course)  So we kinda celebrated in between on his late lunch break! But I did get to go do some much needed birthday shopping this past weekend…
Jason’s sister came to visit, and I did not get ONE good picture of all of the cousins or with her or with Jason’s mom who was also there. I’m sure hoping Jenna got some good ones. I DID remember to get her to take a picture of our family – we don’t have many of all of us together! I did NOT remember to do it before the girls were in their pajamas.
My sis in law Jenna… what a special picture. I’m sure she will treasure this for a lifetime… (MENTAL NOTE: USE YOUR CAMERA SARAH!!!) Sosie is showing off her walking skills – she can now walk the width of the living room and partly into the kitchen. On the other hand, every once in a while, Lyla will show us she can stand independently before she turns on the jello legs…
Silly pictures with my big babes…First week to church for the girls!
I let the girls practice using spoons… once. Lyla did pretty good once I got the food on the spoon for her. Sosie did well too – she brought the spoon halfway, and then she used her hand to get the food off of the spoon to put into her mouth! Sweet girls NEVER got the opportunity to even try to feed themselves at the foster home. If I had a slew of kids to feed (well, I kind of do), I wouldn’t be letting them all feed themselves either!
Everett got to bring home Corduroy this weekend! His class “mascot” is Corduroy, and each weekend someone from the class gets to bring him home. It’s big stuff. Corduroy has a whole overnight bag with a sleeping bag, Vanderbilt t-shirt (thank goodness – Corduroy needed it to cheer our Dores on to our third win of the season on Saturday! 3-0 baby!! Ok… let us celebrate now, okay???), pajamas, books for bedtime, blanket, etc. We took pictures and journaled over the weekend. Well, I did it tonight – it’s due tomorrow. Hey, when Katie Beth did it, I think I got it turned in like the last week of school so we’re improving!
We had the most relaxing day Saturday. We didn’t do much of a darn thing. We got up and made our usual chocolate chip pancakes, did a few little things around the house, watched football, more football, and then some more football. Then we ate some yummy tortilla soup for dinner! We had a few visitors – the first was my sweet cousin Emily!!! She lives in Chattanooga and is the daughter of my Aunt Nancy. Poor thing couldn’t find anything to wear but a UT shirt to come over, but thankfully my kids were all dressed out in their Vanderbilt gear (gotta get on that for the girls!) so when they sat around her in the picture they covered up most of the orange – ha! I’m kidding. Well, kind of. She dishes it out too, and the kids get a big kick out of it. (Actually UT is less fun to hate with Dooley as a coach. I HATE ABHOR his orange pants, but he seems like a good guy. I wasn’t a big fan of Phil… Also Florida isn’t as much fun to hate dislike without Steve Spurrier there. Somehow I find myself rooting against South Carolina now all the time!)

Anyway, it was so wonderfully lovely to see Emily! Her roomie Mallory was with her and we hung out watching football, painting nails, and I got to catch up on their fun single girls lives! Love my sweet Em – isn’t she pretty?!?! We also had my dad and Peggi come by later that night, and my sweet small group friend Amy and her daughter came by as well. It was a blissfully wonderful day!!! Everyone just played, and I told Jason I think my love language is to stay home on fall Saturdays, watching football, kids playing, and cooking something yummy.
Random shot trying to get them both looking at me and smiling… Close… They do look more alike in this picture to me.
And today, we had a breakthrough. The girls PLAYED in the bath. PLAYED IN THE BATHTUB people. It took us five weeks, but we are PLAYING in the TUB!!! (In case I didn’t mention it before or if you missed it, in Ethiopia they were always bathed in buckets. So a huge bathtub was really really scary to them. First baths in Ethiopia were filled with TERRIFIED SCREAMING… and so many afterwards!) So this is a big moment where I took lots of pictures. And sweet Nolan loved being in there with them! I think they enjoyed him too! There was a LOT of splashing… and for once, I did not say one word. If those girls will sit in that tub and play with a smile then (for now) they can splash away! There were smiles in pictures too – a really cute one of Lyla, but Nolan’s arm was not as strategically placed for good coverage in that one so I left it off the blog. You’re welcome son! And nobody pooped – at least not that I noticed! (I love Sosie’s “smiling” face here!)
So that’s our last couple of weeks in pictures. Again, some good days and bad. I’m heading to an adoption conference this weekend. At first I didn’t want to go because honestly on lots of days I’m sick of talking about adoption. I don’t want to talk about Africa or orphans or adoption or ANYTHING. Not that I talk about it a lot, but I’m living it for sure. I think I’m seriously still in shock about just the plane trip home – which I still cannot bring myself to blog about yet. It was horrible. Horrible. Imagine horrible, and it was worse. Horrible. It’s all still new, and I think I’m still in a little bit of shock! So the last thing I want to do is go sit in a room and hear what I’m doing wrong or get a looonnnggg list of things I should be doing or hear other people whining about how hard their lives are. I just think I can’t take anymore “hard” with adoption. It is HARD. BUT I know I really need the weekend. Lest you worry, I’m not turning down two nights in a hotel with one of my good friends either! We agreed if we get overwhelmed we’ll head out to window shop or get coffee or something.

And of course sweet Jason will get a couple days of being all Daddy! Which will be good for him! I envision him kissing my feet when I get home in thankfulness – as if – he’ll do fine because he won’t worry about (or notice) a fraction of the things I worry about (or notice). Which is why we complement each other and why it’s good sometimes to get Mommy out of the house – good for everyone!

Well, enough for now. I have a post that I keep meaning to put up about the weirdest question I’ve gotten while being out and about with the girls. You’ll die. Well, I did. Putting it up in a few!

Five Weeks Home

Well this weekend will mark a full five weeks home – that seems nearly impossible to me as I feel like I’m still trying to recover from jet lag sometimes. I suppose it’s baby lag! We really have had pretty even-keeled days lately. Life seems almost… normal.

It’s still an adjustment of course. But I was telling my Mamaw the other day that I really am not as overwhelmed as I thought I would be. If everyone is feeling okay and we’re having a regular day, it’s not that much more work to feed two babies than it is to feed one. It’s actually easier in a way – you know how babies take a few bites and then want to sit there for 3 or 4 minutes while they slowly swallow it and wait for their stomach to make room for more? (or they just like driving us nuts?) Well with twins, you  just feed the other one until they slow down – by then the first one is ready to eat some more. It’s really very efficient.

We’re getting out and about more – mainly for my sanity. We had a day at Monkey Joe’s (a kid’s jump place) when the big kids were out of school and I found some BOGO coupons. The girls did great and even took their first stroller nap!

We’ve gone to church a few times. Only one Sunday, but the girls sat in their stroller and ate some snacks and a bottle for about 2/3rds of the service. Then we had to exit because they were getting restless. But we made it! I still haven’t put them in class class.

And I still stick to my Target/Kroger runs to get out for short bits.

Today we went up to school and ate lunch with Katie Beth and Everett. They were excited to see us, and they liked for their friends to get to see the girls.

So we’re up and going. Life is more normal. I’m even going to start cooking this week – no big grand plans, but we can do it!

Probably the hardest part of MY adjustment is just being patient with the little things.

Sosie likes to rub her messy food-covered hands all in her hair, all over the high chair, all over whatever she can reach. It’s a mess! Sosie is still really fearful of some things, but she has improved a lot. Both girls are much better in the bathtub. Sosie likes to climb stairs. She’s my daredevil for sure. She’s walking about 10-15 steps now at a time! She’s SUCH a big girl!

Lyla is different. She’s more laid back with some things. Likes to sit and cuddle more than Sosie. She’s more calm most of the time. She’s a much neater eater. But boy is that child stubborn. I’ve never SEEN a baby so stubborn! For example: I let the girls try eating with spoons this week, and Lyla did really good! (Sosie picked the food off of the spoon to put in her mouth. Lyla could actually get the food in her mouth on the spoon!) Well towards the end, I had to scoop it up and feed them. Lyla just quietly turns her head and refuses to eat when I’m feeding her. Just refuses! She also is VERY capable of walking. Stands independently when you aren’t watching and has taken a few steps, but boy if I try to get her to walk, she just collapses on the floor like her legs are broken. Those are just a couple of examples, but for some reason that drives me MAD! Probably because I’m stubborn too, but she’s really really really stubborn! It’s so surprising to me, and there’s not many strategies for a baby! Some of the things I know I would have nipped in the bud six months ago, but there’s no going backwards of course. I work on my patience a lot, and that’s the biggest thing I suppose.

And sleep! The girls are sleeping, but some days I feel like I just can’t get enough! We did shuffle around rooms. The boys are now in our bonus room and think they are big time winners because they have such a huuuugggeeee space! We used to have just a few toys in their room, and then most of their bigger toys in the bonus room. So it really makes sense for a lot of reasons. ALL of their stuff is in the bonus room right now. And we’ll still use it as a bonus room when friends are over playing, but it works as a bedroom too. I thought it was a horrible idea at first, but it really is working out great. Katie Beth and the girls sharing was just NOT working. So the girls now have the boys’ old room – with a fresh coat of pastel pink paint. If I ever get around to hanging things up and getting curtains, I’ll post pictures. Katie Beth had a hard time with not getting to share a room, but it really has been the best thing for everyone!

I also had the girls’ hair cut. It was SUCH a battle everyday combing through it. Which was hard! There were so many other things that they are having to get used to – bathtubs vs. baths in a bucket, car seats vs. not even riding in a car, being strapped in strollers vs. never seen a stroller, dogs, new rules and procedures with eating, playing, bedtimes, everything! There was too much new, and the hair just wasn’t worth the fight right now. Sosie’s seems to have been cut pretty sporadically here and there, and it’s been so much better for all three of us just to not fight that battle for now. When everything else has eased up, we’ll let the hair grow back out, but for now we are going to keep it short. Thanks to my sweet and wise blog friend Grace for this post on hair care and attachment. I seriously think it’s one of the smartest things we did when we came home.

One thing I cannot cannot cannot get a grasp on is any form of communication. It takes days for me to reply to a text message sometimes, and I rarely get to return phone calls. Facebook, Twitter, and blogs? Rarely get to be on to see what’s happening. Some of my good friends could have had a baby or gotten pregnant or had some horrible or wonderful announcement, and I WOULD NOT KNOW IT! I hope someone will let me know. In a way it’s a little freeing to just not have the time to do it, but I hate not knowing ways to pray for people or just the little things that go on in friends’ lives. It doesn’t upset me; I’m not stressed about NOT being on it. It’s just I have enough to do with babies and house and sleep that I just don’t devote the time to it anymore. I think I do a load of dishes everyday and a load of laundry or two as well – we just got our water bill, and our usage went from 5000 something gallons last month to 8000 something gallons this month. I was like what in the world??? But then I was like oh yeah, more laundry and dishes! It really doesn’t seem like that much because I just keep on top of it each day. In fact it almost seems easier to do a bit each day! But that just leaves less time for other things. So if you’ve left me a message or are waiting on me to email you something back or wonder why I haven’t congratulated you – I’m sorry. I think it may be this way for a while! HA!

I’m still trying to sort out what’s okay as far as letting other people “help” with the girls and/or how we’ll KNOW it’s okay for them to go to class for an hour. They seem very adjusted and normal to me right now – regular babies, but I know sometimes there are things I can’t see. I’m going to check with some experts this week, but I know I’m getting to the point where I will want to start getting out some. Thankfully Jason is great about this and gives me breaks whenever I need them. And I have an adoption conference next weekend where I’m forced to spend two whole days and two whole nights away – darn! It’ll be really good to be refreshed and poured into! Jason is super fabulous!

I realize this post doesn’t really TELL much. We’re going. We’re doing. We’re good. The things I thought would be impossibly hard are not as hard as I thought. Other things I never even thought about are incredibly hard! I took about five minutes and looked at job postings in our local school district Monday thinking dreamily about working. Of course I wouldn’t last five minutes into even the interview process – teaching isn’t what it used to be – more paperwork, less teaching. And I really don’t WANT to work. But it’s one of those the grass is always greener days… But what mom doesn’t experience those days?

So we still have a bit of road to go adjusting-wise – the girls and the rest of us too. But I’m happy with the progress we’ve made. I think we’re doing as well as we could be really! Thanks for the continued prayers – we really do still covet them!!!

It’s Not ALWAYS Poopy Around Here…

Oh my… The last few days have been miraculously better! Tuesday and Wednesday were just DREAM days!!! Lyla and Sosie both seem to feel SO MUCH better, and we are seeing this crazy weird thing on Lyla’s face a LOT – a smile!!! Oh, it’s a beautiful sight!

Big ole sweet smile… Love it. She’s been photographed a lot lately. We feel like we are just now meeting her. Precious precious girl. She was precious before of course, it’s just easier to see now that her personality is coming out.

And right now it’s even kind of cute when they argue over things. I figure they have been working things out for a year without my help, so no need to start now unless they are hurting each other. It goes usually like this: (a pic from today’s remote dispute)

Lyla holds something. Sosie takes it from her. Lyla either gives up or screams. Repeat many times a day. Trying to catch it on video at some point…

Love love seeing them play together… They pretty much stick side by side throughout the day! Twins are fun to watch – so fun!

There are lots and lots of arguments over who gets to do what with helping. People ask all the time how our big kids are liking it – they seriously do really do LOVE being big brothers and sister!!! Lyla and Sosie LIGHT UP when they come home from school or walk into the room. Everett helps the girls walk with holding their hands, and Katie Beth could be a preschool teacher – man the energy she has! Everyone loves bottle feeding time and sometimes we let them help out. Silly faces… I could just eat up this little bunch of little people!

We’re trying not to rush fall and enjoy all that’s left of long summer nights. We have to keep up our ninja training.

The big kids really are doing great. We work really hard at taking ALL pressure off of them to help. That is a big, big, big thing for me. They are not momma or daddy – the are kids, and they should stay kids!!!

I say over and over and over, you don’t HAVE to play with them, you can go play. Or, if you want you can do ____. Or, I love that you love to be with them, but you know that the girls are not your responsibility. Mom and Dad are responsible for taking care of them, so if you get tired of playing, you just tell me you are done! They are so sweet, and they haven’t gotten bored yet. Most of the time I’m telling the big kids to give the little kids some space!

Katie Beth is seriously a natural with kids, and she does still amaze me with her compassion and tender heart. She comes in the door from school and ALWAYS the first thing out of her mouth if she doesn’t see the girls up is, “Are the girls awake?” And she’ll race through homework – okay, well, not RACE, she is my slow child – to get to play with them. She is in permanent big sister heaven. She thinks she is in momma heaven sometimes… She wants to pick them up all the time, put them to bed, put them in car seats, push the stroller. Sweet girl about wears me out! I told her she’d make a great babysitter. She really really will!

Nothing melts my heart more than seeing two big brothers talk in sweet voices to baby sisters. NOTHING. NOTHING.

Everytime I hear or see Everett being so kind and so gentle with the girls, I remember just how much he did NOT want any sisters! He and I were talking about it the other day, and I reminded him again that God knows better than us what we need/want/love. He agreed wholeheartedly.

I was in the kitchen and he was in the living room with the girls yesterday, and I caught a glimpse of him. He was playing “baseball” with each girl. He’d pick her up to “bat”, then “run” around the bases with her cheering, “It’s outta there Sosie! WHOO HOO! Homerun!!!” And then he’d repeat with Lyla. He was so eager to share his number one sports love with them. I love this kid.

And Nolan is eating up being a big brother. It’s a new role for him. He has a white lovey that is some serious holy ground. We only have one – even though I’ve looked for a replacement. But nobody touches it. NOBODY. It’s not worth the trouble. It must be within arms’ reach most of the day – although we do usually leave it at home if we are out and about. But it’s serious hands-off. It’s a real rule. Don’t touch lovey unless we ask you to. Just don’t touch him.

But oh, his baby sisters start crying, and that sweet boy just hands over that lovey like he could care less. Oh I just want to scoop him up and smother him with kisses. And I do. A lot. (And for those that haven’t seen us recently, his scar seems to be healing up – more on that when I finally finish sharing our second part of our trip post.)

One fun thing with Nolan is that the girls are taking a great morning nap. So he gets a couple of hours to choose to do whatever he wants! This week we’ve played baseball, washed my car (which meant him getting free reign of the hose pipe), and made Rice Krispy treats that turned out way too crunchy (why?? how do you mess up RKT??!) I love getting to spend some good one on one time with him. I also love getting to spoil him some too. Hey! One big brother around that gives up a lovey or is an absolute dream during a loooonnnggg doctor’s appointment? You better believe you can get some popcorn and icee at Target, and we might go to Chick-fil-A too…

Have to add in a “Got Milk?” pic my big kids took to send to school today. Presh… (I faked it with Elmer’s glue… SSSHHH!)

And wrestle-time with Daddy is still a must. We’ve had to institute “baby wrestle time” where everyone is gentle, and then they carry the “yall are way too rough for me to even watch” up to the bonus room. Love that Daddy…

And I must finish off with more sweet smiles… I can’t get enough of them!

Sweet Lyla would only even go to her Daddy (happily) the end of last week… She’s cautious. They are both cautious regarding men – not too many in their experiences!

Wish I could have gotten both their silly cheesy smiles in one pic. Might have to photo shop that one somehow.

I do love love love love being Mommy to five. My heart is full – along with my hands of course – which if I didn’t know already, I get told every time I’m at Target or Kroger. “Boy, you’ve got your hands full!” And usually Katie Beth and Everett aren’t even with me! I just smile and say, “Oh but it’s a good full!” And speaking of full, my quiver feels pretty full, and I think Jason’s does too. Of course we always say that after new babies, but I think we really are full. But I sure won’t tell God I’m done again. I did that after Everett, and you can see where that got me!

God has been so good to just flood my heart with love for the girls – more everyday. I still get frustrated some of course, but it’s getting better for sure.

So yeah, the poopy days are hard, but we have lots of Sunshine and Roses moments mixed in with them – and we sure have more lately. Just wanted to share some of the good and fun that goes on between the poop and, well… poop….